This chapter has resonated with me for the past few weeks. For those who don't know me very well, I have struggled with depression for years, probably since I was in high school, although I guess then I didn't really know what to call it. This past year has been particularly difficult. To be honest, being a mom is not what I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just selfish still and God is trying to strengthen me through all of this, but most of the time I just feel torn. I miss being able to sleep in with my husband and do nothing all day long. I miss having all the time in the world I want to read my Bible, listen to amazing sermons, and be with friends without worrying about naptime or bedtime. Do not get me wrong, I love my sweet girl so very much and I consider it the highest honor to be called her mommy (that is, when she finally says it, ha). The cute little things she does makes my heart melt and sometimes I stand back and wonder how God could create something so amazing and allow me to actually be a big part of her life. But there have been times, especially when she was first born, that I just wanted to give her up for adoption. I've always wanted someone to just come and take her for one full day just so I can have a break. I wish we had family nearby that would do this, but that just doesn't happen to be our circumstance.
Before you ask, yes, I did (and probably still do) have post-partum depression and while, of course, it has gotten better over time, I still have these bouts where I just feel so hopeless. So out of control with life, like there is no way it could ever get better. And then I read these verses.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
...and I identify with the writer of this psalm. I wait for the Lord. My soul waits. I know that my God has not forsaken me and He knows my struggles and holds my depression in his hand. He knows the desires of my heart which is to be a godly Christian, good mother, a good wife, a good nurse, a good... fill in the blank. My hope is in Jesus Christ to sanctify me more and more each day. There are days I see no progress, but then look back on my life and see how far He has brought me. Praise God for His grace and His all encompassing, unfailing love.